BREAKING NEWS: TWO HOMO SAPIENS PRODUCE MALE CHILD!
For the first time in recorded history a beautiful young woman, after having sexual contact with her male partner, has given birth to a male, Homo sapiens offspring. As has been reported throughout the media for the previous nine months, Kate Middleton (wife of Prince William of England) reportedly had sex with her husband approximately nine months ago. This unprecedented act of physical intimacy led to the startling, and some say miraculous, consequence of fetal impregnation.
Up until now, human children have general been discovered in cabbage patches, or as some report, delivered by an annoying pickle eating stork. There are even some stories from the ancient world, that tell of several human children who were supposedly brought into the world through divine means, such as showers of gold or being hatched from rocks. Kate and William, however, are the first confirmed human specimens to have actually had marital relations which led to physical implantation of a human fetus.
Doctors and scientists are still studying this ground breaking phenomenon. One research lab, based at Oxford University, is looking for volunteers to participate in an experiment to determine if the event can be replicated. "We need volunteers, and plenty of them," said doctor Oakin. "If indeed William and Kate were able to produce human children through the act of sexual intercourse, and if it turns out that other humans are able to follow suit, there may no longer be a need for us to continue to cut down forest lands in order to plant cabbage patches all around the world. There will be no more need to fight over land, and those too old or infirm to work in the fields will no longer be incapable of becoming parents. This may be the answer to all our prayers!" Skeptics, however, are questioning the legitimacy of the entire Kate and William story.
Dr. Markum, from the University of Wisconsin Madison, suggests the entire pregnancy is nothing more than a fraud. "No scientific tests were done in the days following the supposed night of conception. And I suspect that the Royal Family, along with all of the doctors involved, will not allow us to run DNA tests to determine if, in fact, the child has the same DNA markers as the parents. Ask yourself a question: What is more likely, that two human beings somehow managed to produce a third human being by the mere act of mixing some bodily fluids, or that the entire story is a fabrication by the leftist, liberal ultra-green Royal Family?"
Some religious leaders have voiced their concerns with the child's alleged conception as well. "I mean, you're talking about going against everything the Bible teaches," said Pastor Greensburg of the Southern Baptist Conference. "The Bible clearly states that humans are created from the earth. We come from dust, and return to dust. The idea that babies can come into the world through some physical combination of human . . . fluids is not only absurd, but nearly blasphemous. I mean, it's bad enough some humans choose to have sex at all. But mixing sex with children? That's anathema!"
Contrary to these rare voices of protest, most people all around the world are elated for, not only Kate and William, but the entire human race. "We're going home tonight and have sex," said one elderly couple, who just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. "I mean, if William and Kate can have a baby, why not us?"
Such sentiments have been echoed throughout the world, and even President Obama felt the need to chime in. "If the science turns out to be confirmed," said the President in an impromptu press conference in the Rose Garden, "We may no longer be forced to reply upon the fertility or infertility of the soil, to grant us future generations. We may be able to move into a new epoch of human history, in which humanity extends into the future through mutual and loving relationships! God bless Kate and William, and their Royal baby!"
Scientists point out that further study needs to be done on the matter. And it may very well be that Kate and William are an exception that proves the rule. But most are hopeful that the Royal child is the first among many millions who will be born, not from the dust of the ground, but from the mixture of bodily fluids and DNA.
As Dr. Oakin notes, "This may simply be the next step in human evolution. I can't imagine what the world will look like in the future, but if Kate and William's glorious news is any indicator, it will be a better world than what we have now! As the American President said, God bless the Royal family!"